The Power of Forgiveness

I have not ever really spoken much of my past, I guess I just figure it is best left where it is. I want to share a little bit, however, just to support my title. I was born into a mixed family. Mixed, as in, my mom had already been married and had a child previous. From there, three additional children were born to my mom and dad. Alcoholism ran rampant in our family, especially with my father's side. Anyone who has traveled that road can understand the circumstances surrounding such. Abuse occurred and was witnessed regularly, though we kids did not succomb to my knowledge. Neglect was a normal part of life, we played or slept in the pickup while whoever had responsibility for us was in the bar. Later my mom left with all of us kids, when she thought it might be safe to leave without being followed or found. My older brother had already gone to live with his dad. We moved quite a bit from then on, it began my third grade year. I moved back and forth from Mom to Dad and mom moved around a lot. The year I spent with my dad I recall sleeping in the car for a week because Dad forgot to pay the fuel bill and we had no wood to heat the stove. I cooked a lot that year and my little brother who was also with us spent a lot of time out of school fishing with Dad. When I lived with Mom she worked and went to school so I was responsible for us kids most of the time. I sometimes wonder if they don't resent me sometimes for the things that went on in that time, I would. At any rate, this was the pattern and my life going into high school followed that pattern as well. It was all I knew. I had seen different, but didn't understand it. I do not share these things in condemnation for what I went through then.

As a senior in high school an amazing guy, and our classmate, was killed in a car accident. Changed my life. I had been better friends most of my growing up years with the boy crowd than the girl crowd. Guess it was growing up with four brothers. (Mom had another boy the year I was in fifth grade.) At any rate, I happened to be good friends with a few of the guys in my class, but upon the death of our friend I realized that I felt more strongly about one person in particular than just friends. Because of this relationship I was introduced to "church people". The people that were called bible thumpers because, well I am not sure why. The people that went to church every Sunday, AND Wednesday too? Really? And, they read their bibles, every day? What was in there anyway? I had tried to read the little new testament I got from school and it was, as the bible states, "foolishness" to me, who was perishing. 1 Cor. 1:18. Well, the relationship continued, however, faltered, and crashed. At that time I had no where to turn but had built relationships through the church that led me to the One I could turn to. Everyone always says that becoming a Christian doesn't make life's problems go away, and that argument is correct, but it makes all the difference in the world when you have HOPE to sustain you. It sure makes them appear smaller. We were able to reconcile and regress over and over, the desire to sin was quelched, but my willpower did not overcome overnight. Things were still difficult for a long time. Five years and two children later we were married and I learned one word very quickly. Forgiveness. A very dear friend of mine reminded me that it may be necessary to forgive daily, moment by moment even. And so we get to the point of this post. Forgiveness. Do not let the sun go down when you are angry...We must forgive 70 times 7 times...Forgive and I will forgive you...All marriage advice centers around the idea of forgiving. But what about other relationships? Are we as quick to forgive. What about when we were wronged, must we forgive then?

My Dad was in and out of my life for the rest of my growing up years and for a long time I resented that he didn't care to be a part of it. Not his grandkids, not me, not his own mom, nothing. I think now, it was more out of conviction or fear that he stayed away. When he returned, dying of cancer, I readily forgave. I didn't even have to think about it. I was so grateful that he was in my life again, even for a short while. There have been situations that have tested my ability to forgive. We lost a baby this spring. While my husband struggled to forgive the God we both love, I struggled and struggle still, to forgive myself. I have had the unthinkable happen recently in my life and I struggle to forgive myself and others who did not prevent it from happening in the first place. Every day we meet with situations that will test our ability to forgive, but what does that ability stem from? Faith. Trust. In a God who knows all things and knows and allows that what is best for the path that He has chosen to take us down. Can we trust that even though it doesn't appear to us to be what was best for us, God knows? Can we have faith that says I will follow where you lead, even though it doesn't look appealing to me? God asks you to take his hand, find comfort in his arms, trust and follow. Blessed are the peaceMAKERS. Keeping peace requires no action on our part, only INaction. Being able to be a peaceMAKER requires action. It requires forgiveness and reconciliation. As a wife I find myself feeling as if this is also how I am to follow my husband. As I follow Jesus. By trusting and wielding to his leading, even when it doesn't make sense to me and everything inside of me says NO! It has paid off so far. FORGIVENESS...what a load taken off, even when it is not extended to us in return. Joseph got it right. His father asked him to forgive the sins of his brothers. He had every right to be angry, to hold grudges, but he CHOSE forgiveness. Just as our relationship with Christ begins with forgiveness, every relationship we hold dear to us balances on the ability to forgive.

Dying to Self

Wow. I had grand intentions this morning. Got chores done early, got breakfast made (and it wasn't milk and cereal), had devotions and was going to post on how God had been working on my heart lately. Then it happened, but it went right along with what I was going to say. I was interrupted. Right when I was going to start writing. My three year old woke up and came downstairs, having thrown up (forgive the graphic explanation) all over herself and her bed. Stop everything, change all plans of baking on this awesome cool morning and now wash bedding and doctor sick child.

Amazing how God uses these circumstances. I just completed a book about a woman who died of cancer. She was so selfless through the entire course of the illness and through her death I was amazed. In counseling a friend about her marriage and whether she should submit to her husband's leadership when she felt he was wrong, she said this, "die to yourself. You decide that the other person's needs are more important than your own. If there's ever a question between your doing what you want and doing what he wants, you do what he wants." "He is the head of your household, biblically speaking, and when there's a question of your will against his will, you need to let him win." She was not speaking of whether there was a question of sin, just disagreement between spouses. This spoke volumes to me. I used to try really hard in this area, but have found myself consumed with me. I have been drowning in self-pity asking "why me" due to the circumstances of the past year. I am being reminded that though there is a time for grief and asking why, it is not to be dwelt upon. God's will is just that, as such, it is a gift to us from Him. An opportunity for us to glorify Him and to grow us and make us more holy, more like himself.

This morning in my devotions, it was also a call to die to myself, especially when dealing with my marriage. When God made man, he made man FIRST, then made for him a HELPER, suitable for him. I somtimes resent when that takes me away from my own time to complete tasks I feel are important. My house is often not clean, meals are often eaten late, but I have learned, and am being reminded that after my relationship with God, I need to be my husband's helper when he asks for my help. After that I need to meet the needs of my children, even when I would rather be baking than cleaning up the unspeakable and doing laundry that was previously pretty clean. It is all dying to self and finding joy when God gives us the opportunity to serve others.

Thank you Lord, for today's reminders that I am on this earth to serve you and serve others and that this place is not my home, so I shouldn't get too comfortable. Have a blessed day!

Regret

Since my last post a lot of things have occurred. I have been unable to post, for the inability to get my thoughts together and really analyze and internalize it all. My dad died of cancer less than a month after we lost our little boy. Just because they occurred so close together and it seemed as if my dad, finally after being estranged for years, was so concerned after we lost the baby, it was all just so hard. It still is, I cry as I write this just because of the hurt.

One of the things that has been so incredibly hard to deal with that I didn't expect was the regret. It has been overwhelming. I wished I had told Dad sooner that we were expecting, so he could have shared that. I wished I had just shared it sooner with everyone. I wished I had been more joyful about it. I wished that I had taken more time to take my girls to visit Grandpa when he was nearby. They could have had a greater opportunity to remember him the way I remember him. He deserved his grandkids. The comfort that it would have offered to have them close and knowing that we chose to spend time with him. Regret that I wasn't there when his battle ended. Regret for all of the things I thought I had settled in my heart but realized I hadn't said to him. I have had so many regrets. However, I can see through to the other side. I KNOW that God has a plan for my life and that the way was orchestrated by the Lord. That every day that I spend on this earth is orchestrated by Him. Yes, my actions require and are followed by consequences, but I can learn and improve the quality of the rest of my life having learned those valuable lessons. Open my eyes, Lord that I may see, and learn and move on.

Loss

I have needed to write something, but I just cannot ever find the appropriate words. I have felt loss, I have known loss. We ranch, we lose animals all of the time, it's just part of life. I have lost grandparents, the hardest up until now, my youngest brother. I can't say that any of it compares to the loss of a child. I have known others who have lost children, but it is as though you never see the real impact that it had. I take so many things for granted. I take for granted that my children will always be around, my husband will always be here when I need him, that people I love know that I love and appreciate them, that people understand where I am coming from, and that I would be having a baby.
At first I was astounded to realize that I was even pregnant. Wow, already? I cringed at the thought of people asking AGAIN if I didn't know how that happened, "No, could you enlighten me please?" was always my imagined response. What a dumb question, serious or not. I cringed at knowing that there were people who would AGAIN encourage me to be done having children; are they really all that bad, or is it really up to you? So, I waited...and waited and waited and never felt quite ready. Not ready to tell and not quite used to the idea. Where would we put another one in our small house? How in the world could we maintain our sanity with three that close in age? Does God really think I am ready? Finally, it was just fun to have a secret and imagine how we would share it. We together were the only ones who knew...
Until that fateful day. We had been working all week on getting cows paired out and off to pasture. It was the last day, we were hauling finally. By the end of the day I was beat, but feeling fine. I had been worried all day that one of the few people roaming around would discover my secret, as my jeans were no longer fitting just right. I had myself figured at around 20 weeks. That evening, with a cow dying in the dam, my husband and daughter gone pairing cattle into the new pasture and everyone else trying to get a late supper and ready for bed, I started spotting then cramping. I wasn't terribly worried, as this had happened once with a previous pregnancy, but called my sister in law and the doctor anyway. Rest and try to get some sleep, drink lots of water. By this time I had shared with two others, by one o clock in the morning an additional sister in law was privy when I called her to ask what to do about contractions every 3 to 4 minutes for an hour. No bleeding though. Doctor advised being seen and having an ultrasound the next day. And so, on the trip out, as I drove alone, I informed all of those closest to me. I couldn't find anyone nearby to ride with me, but another sister in law suggested she and yet another meet me, that way if the news was bad, someone could come home with me. Lord, let the news not be bad, just minor complications, please. Two hours later I lay on a bed in the ultrasound room seeing our son for the first time on the screen, whole, complete, and yet with no life at only 13 weeks gestation. I had carried him a long time before God saw fit for me to know. I believe that His timing is perfect, and everything did work out so well, for something so devastating.
I chose not to stay in the hospital, my sister in law drove me home and stayed with me, that alone a true Godsend. Our girls were here to discover their prayers for a baby brother had been answered, yet not as they had anticipated, then spent the weekend surrounded by cousins. We buried our baby on Mother's Day, oh how bittersweet, and remember him in our hearts and a single photo kept from the Dr.'s office. I don't know if I will ever have another baby, that is a very hard realization for me, but for the short amount of time this once spent here with me, he changed my life. Every time I see a bleeding heart, my Mother's Day gift I will smile and cry at the irony of that, the giver not having known. Every time the rose bush at my door blooms I will thank God for the sweet memory that it offers. I will know and trust that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him and I will go on.

Home

I was recently on my way "home" and was literally struck by a song on the radio. "Homesick" by Mercy Me was the song I was listening to. It reminded me of something that someone had shared with me at one time. They told me that it is when we get comfortable in our surroundings and circumstances that we should question whether or not we are where God wants us. Now, granted, the Bible teaches that we should
"give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thes. 5:18), but it doesn't say that some of these circumstances don't put us out of our comfort zone. It is out of our comfort zone that God grows us, that He is shaping us, teaching us, and refining us. It particularly struck me lately because sometimes out here in the country, staying home and going through the day to day every day is a lonely task. Those that do call me friend are not nearby and have their own busy schedules that don't coordinate with my own. Sometimes I just long for an ear, company and a cup of tea. A break from the mundane. Sometimes I feel like I am failing in everything and wonder why it is that God has me where I am, from whence cometh my help. Then I remember. My heavenly father, who is waiting for me at HOME is my help, and it does make me homesick for that HOME. But it also reminds me that if I am so uncomfortable, God is working on me, wants to show me something, and I need to become more attuned to His leading, open my eyes, look up, listen, and discover what it is He is trying to do with me. In that I find comfort and can deal with those uncomfortable situations I find myself in, difficult relationships, and crazy out of control days that test even the most patient.
SO...When you are feeling particularly out of place, out of sorts and wonder why nothing seems to go right, remember, we aren't home yet. 

Seems as if winter is here and finally sticking around for a bit. Just in time for our out of character calving to start. Sigh. I do so prefer calving late when the grass is green and the babies don't have to experience the cold and wet as much. We already have one on the ground, a pleasant surprise to drive out in the tractor to feed after a cold night and see a little black dot running and bucking on the horizon after having the last two cows abort. Perhaps the gentleman we bought the cows from had his dates written down wrong, cows being due to calf March 24? Maybe someone sorted wrong at the salebarn.
I do enjoy the cold winter days when I can be inside most of the day without feeling like I need to get out and get tasks done outside. All cozy by the fire completing assignments with the girls. I will be praying for good, willing attitudes this morning and a mama with a meek and quiet homeschool spirit. The Lord has been working on me that way lately. There is so much business and pressure to get things done and I tend to use that as an excuse to be irritable and tempermental. I am certain Christ doesn't allow excuses. "Be holy for I am holy."
And so, here I go. I shall set my eyes upon the goal and get my day started. Blessings to you fellow mamas, be not discouraged! Have a good day!

Have you ever noticed that even when you are not expecting it, God meets you right where you are, and right when you needed Him the most? I attended a Ladie's Retreat this weekend and the speaker took her notes from Ken Hamm's 'Foundations'. It was a refreshing teaching that reminded me of things I had been needing to hear. It seems like every year that I go, whether I know I need to hear something just to be encouraged, or whether God just swipes the rug out from under me with something I was not aware of, I come away amazed at His sovereignty. This doesn't only happen during this weekend, it seems as if it happens more daily, but it seems as if it is more profound the more we are actively seeking Him. Here is to good company and God's Word!

Memories

I made an oops today. I don't have my camera batteries charged and have virtually forgotten that it even exists. Therefore, when my dad was here visiting today I had no thought of taking pictures of him here, in my home, with his grandchildren. See, my dad has an incurable cancer and we almost lost him once. It had been years since I had seen him before he came "home" for treatments, as he was living in Wyoming and didn't care to be found. It was definitely a rare treat to watch him help my 7 year old with her math and remember the times he sat with me and helped me with my own. So pleasant to watch him sit beside the stove and visit with my husband and the girls. Hear him laugh, laugh at the interactions going on. I am thankful this evening, regardless of the camera. I am thankful that God in concious of our desires. Knows our very hearts and allows us those moments that don't need cameras, that will rest in our hearts as memory for as long as our minds are sound. I am thankful for time, that my children are home with me and were able to spend those precious moments with a Grandpa they only a year ago only knew in pictures. I think this time is worthy of "priceless".

Another Day

I would like to come up with so many inspiring, clever antecdotes to encourage and make you all laugh, but, quite frankly, I am too tired and my head is spinning most of the day. How about if I just share with you my day, honestly and openly. It is now 10:43 (pm mind you, I never stay up this late, ever). I am only staying up because I thought my husband may need someone to talk to as he is driving home from a long trip this evening. Funny thing is, I haven't even called him yet and I am sure he thinks I am in bed. Computers anyway! I have been spending some time doing some of my "health research". We have had two winters of all of us being sick and I have gradually changed some things with our diet that have made a difference, so I have dedicated myself (as my family's caretaker:)) to research more on what I can do.
So much for telling you about my day, I have realized that when I am passionate about something it comes out in everything and I often come off as pushy. Oops. Well, let's see, my brain is so fried and can't even get back to lunchtime. Hmmm. Yes, here it is. I believe I woke up late, as a sick girl kept me up half the night. Ever notice sleeping in never produces the results you hope for? Anyway, I got girls started on school, showered, washed some laundry and then took advantage of an excuse to get outside and took the four-wheeler out to check the water tank and look at cows. We had lost a couple of calves from cows who aborted recently, so we have just been going through them all a little more thoroughly. This is usually the job of the 7 year old and occasionally the 12 year old, but they had a 4 wheeler incident yesterday and had no interest in tackling said job this day. "I'll go!" It was a beautiful morning, nice temps, beautiful blanket of snow and the sunshine was lovely. When I arrived back from this I had many household errands awaiting me, but I helped Mesa with her spelling instead. Next, get lunch ready. After lunch I used JD needing a nap as an excuse to lay down too, but with phone ringing, doors slamming and dishes being done downstairs I did not succeed. Finally, with the phone call that took my husband off to his journey that he just returned from, I went to track him down and ended up helping to feed cows, bulls, checked prairie dog traps, unloaded a ton of salt blocks, and then back inside. Whew, are we done yet? Plenty of other activity to round out my day leads me here, I should go look at those fancy new mamas going into the corrals...at 11:00 at night! LOL It wasn't too bad a day really, just busy!

Wow

Wow, I am really not a techie. I was just dropping in to post the link to my blog in my website, and it popped up with a page for me to post on. Was not expecting that. I shouldn't be on here anyway, I need to change a dirty diaper, start supper, put clothes away, and give each of our five girls much needed attention. Yikes! Wow again. Good thing I am not alone on this journey I have undertaken. Another time then!