Loss

I have needed to write something, but I just cannot ever find the appropriate words. I have felt loss, I have known loss. We ranch, we lose animals all of the time, it's just part of life. I have lost grandparents, the hardest up until now, my youngest brother. I can't say that any of it compares to the loss of a child. I have known others who have lost children, but it is as though you never see the real impact that it had. I take so many things for granted. I take for granted that my children will always be around, my husband will always be here when I need him, that people I love know that I love and appreciate them, that people understand where I am coming from, and that I would be having a baby.
At first I was astounded to realize that I was even pregnant. Wow, already? I cringed at the thought of people asking AGAIN if I didn't know how that happened, "No, could you enlighten me please?" was always my imagined response. What a dumb question, serious or not. I cringed at knowing that there were people who would AGAIN encourage me to be done having children; are they really all that bad, or is it really up to you? So, I waited...and waited and waited and never felt quite ready. Not ready to tell and not quite used to the idea. Where would we put another one in our small house? How in the world could we maintain our sanity with three that close in age? Does God really think I am ready? Finally, it was just fun to have a secret and imagine how we would share it. We together were the only ones who knew...
Until that fateful day. We had been working all week on getting cows paired out and off to pasture. It was the last day, we were hauling finally. By the end of the day I was beat, but feeling fine. I had been worried all day that one of the few people roaming around would discover my secret, as my jeans were no longer fitting just right. I had myself figured at around 20 weeks. That evening, with a cow dying in the dam, my husband and daughter gone pairing cattle into the new pasture and everyone else trying to get a late supper and ready for bed, I started spotting then cramping. I wasn't terribly worried, as this had happened once with a previous pregnancy, but called my sister in law and the doctor anyway. Rest and try to get some sleep, drink lots of water. By this time I had shared with two others, by one o clock in the morning an additional sister in law was privy when I called her to ask what to do about contractions every 3 to 4 minutes for an hour. No bleeding though. Doctor advised being seen and having an ultrasound the next day. And so, on the trip out, as I drove alone, I informed all of those closest to me. I couldn't find anyone nearby to ride with me, but another sister in law suggested she and yet another meet me, that way if the news was bad, someone could come home with me. Lord, let the news not be bad, just minor complications, please. Two hours later I lay on a bed in the ultrasound room seeing our son for the first time on the screen, whole, complete, and yet with no life at only 13 weeks gestation. I had carried him a long time before God saw fit for me to know. I believe that His timing is perfect, and everything did work out so well, for something so devastating.
I chose not to stay in the hospital, my sister in law drove me home and stayed with me, that alone a true Godsend. Our girls were here to discover their prayers for a baby brother had been answered, yet not as they had anticipated, then spent the weekend surrounded by cousins. We buried our baby on Mother's Day, oh how bittersweet, and remember him in our hearts and a single photo kept from the Dr.'s office. I don't know if I will ever have another baby, that is a very hard realization for me, but for the short amount of time this once spent here with me, he changed my life. Every time I see a bleeding heart, my Mother's Day gift I will smile and cry at the irony of that, the giver not having known. Every time the rose bush at my door blooms I will thank God for the sweet memory that it offers. I will know and trust that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him and I will go on.