Wow. I had grand intentions this morning. Got chores done early, got breakfast made (and it wasn't milk and cereal), had devotions and was going to post on how God had been working on my heart lately. Then it happened, but it went right along with what I was going to say. I was interrupted. Right when I was going to start writing. My three year old woke up and came downstairs, having thrown up (forgive the graphic explanation) all over herself and her bed. Stop everything, change all plans of baking on this awesome cool morning and now wash bedding and doctor sick child.
Amazing how God uses these circumstances. I just completed a book about a woman who died of cancer. She was so selfless through the entire course of the illness and through her death I was amazed. In counseling a friend about her marriage and whether she should submit to her husband's leadership when she felt he was wrong, she said this, "die to yourself. You decide that the other person's needs are more important than your own. If there's ever a question between your doing what you want and doing what he wants, you do what he wants." "He is the head of your household, biblically speaking, and when there's a question of your will against his will, you need to let him win." She was not speaking of whether there was a question of sin, just disagreement between spouses. This spoke volumes to me. I used to try really hard in this area, but have found myself consumed with me. I have been drowning in self-pity asking "why me" due to the circumstances of the past year. I am being reminded that though there is a time for grief and asking why, it is not to be dwelt upon. God's will is just that, as such, it is a gift to us from Him. An opportunity for us to glorify Him and to grow us and make us more holy, more like himself.
This morning in my devotions, it was also a call to die to myself, especially when dealing with my marriage. When God made man, he made man FIRST, then made for him a HELPER, suitable for him. I somtimes resent when that takes me away from my own time to complete tasks I feel are important. My house is often not clean, meals are often eaten late, but I have learned, and am being reminded that after my relationship with God, I need to be my husband's helper when he asks for my help. After that I need to meet the needs of my children, even when I would rather be baking than cleaning up the unspeakable and doing laundry that was previously pretty clean. It is all dying to self and finding joy when God gives us the opportunity to serve others.
Thank you Lord, for today's reminders that I am on this earth to serve you and serve others and that this place is not my home, so I shouldn't get too comfortable. Have a blessed day!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Regret
Since my last post a lot of things have occurred. I have been unable to post, for the inability to get my thoughts together and really analyze and internalize it all. My dad died of cancer less than a month after we lost our little boy. Just because they occurred so close together and it seemed as if my dad, finally after being estranged for years, was so concerned after we lost the baby, it was all just so hard. It still is, I cry as I write this just because of the hurt.
One of the things that has been so incredibly hard to deal with that I didn't expect was the regret. It has been overwhelming. I wished I had told Dad sooner that we were expecting, so he could have shared that. I wished I had just shared it sooner with everyone. I wished I had been more joyful about it. I wished that I had taken more time to take my girls to visit Grandpa when he was nearby. They could have had a greater opportunity to remember him the way I remember him. He deserved his grandkids. The comfort that it would have offered to have them close and knowing that we chose to spend time with him. Regret that I wasn't there when his battle ended. Regret for all of the things I thought I had settled in my heart but realized I hadn't said to him. I have had so many regrets. However, I can see through to the other side. I KNOW that God has a plan for my life and that the way was orchestrated by the Lord. That every day that I spend on this earth is orchestrated by Him. Yes, my actions require and are followed by consequences, but I can learn and improve the quality of the rest of my life having learned those valuable lessons. Open my eyes, Lord that I may see, and learn and move on.
One of the things that has been so incredibly hard to deal with that I didn't expect was the regret. It has been overwhelming. I wished I had told Dad sooner that we were expecting, so he could have shared that. I wished I had just shared it sooner with everyone. I wished I had been more joyful about it. I wished that I had taken more time to take my girls to visit Grandpa when he was nearby. They could have had a greater opportunity to remember him the way I remember him. He deserved his grandkids. The comfort that it would have offered to have them close and knowing that we chose to spend time with him. Regret that I wasn't there when his battle ended. Regret for all of the things I thought I had settled in my heart but realized I hadn't said to him. I have had so many regrets. However, I can see through to the other side. I KNOW that God has a plan for my life and that the way was orchestrated by the Lord. That every day that I spend on this earth is orchestrated by Him. Yes, my actions require and are followed by consequences, but I can learn and improve the quality of the rest of my life having learned those valuable lessons. Open my eyes, Lord that I may see, and learn and move on.
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