Regret

Since my last post a lot of things have occurred. I have been unable to post, for the inability to get my thoughts together and really analyze and internalize it all. My dad died of cancer less than a month after we lost our little boy. Just because they occurred so close together and it seemed as if my dad, finally after being estranged for years, was so concerned after we lost the baby, it was all just so hard. It still is, I cry as I write this just because of the hurt.

One of the things that has been so incredibly hard to deal with that I didn't expect was the regret. It has been overwhelming. I wished I had told Dad sooner that we were expecting, so he could have shared that. I wished I had just shared it sooner with everyone. I wished I had been more joyful about it. I wished that I had taken more time to take my girls to visit Grandpa when he was nearby. They could have had a greater opportunity to remember him the way I remember him. He deserved his grandkids. The comfort that it would have offered to have them close and knowing that we chose to spend time with him. Regret that I wasn't there when his battle ended. Regret for all of the things I thought I had settled in my heart but realized I hadn't said to him. I have had so many regrets. However, I can see through to the other side. I KNOW that God has a plan for my life and that the way was orchestrated by the Lord. That every day that I spend on this earth is orchestrated by Him. Yes, my actions require and are followed by consequences, but I can learn and improve the quality of the rest of my life having learned those valuable lessons. Open my eyes, Lord that I may see, and learn and move on.