I started the new year off writing in my journal. I needed to collect my thoughts and go forward with something more than what I had ended the previous year. I felt as if I had been trapped in a rut and needed to look back before I could look forward and determine what had gotten me there. I want to share part of my journal entry in hopes that it will benefit the hearers and encourage you to go forth into the new year with renewed hope, faith and, foremost, thankfulness.
January 1, 2013
I thought I may need some time today to reminisce over the past year. I asked my husband this morning what his best memory was of 2012. His blank look told me that for him also, the tough times overshadowed the good ones to extent of not being able to come up with much. I had thought looking back might be a good thing to do, help put the important things back into perspective, meditate on lessons learned, but there are still so many open ended stories, chapters not yet ended, and doors still open.
Did I bring anything good out of it and into the new year? I sure hope so. I know that thanksgiving must come every day and be a priority. the LORD must come first in my life. The first thought, first counsel, and first to receive thanks.
Things cannot compare in the category of importance in comparison to people. We have finally bought a piece of land and one thing that I realized in the experience is that it really doesn't mean a lot to me. There is a certain pride in ownership of everything I guess, and it is nice to think that when we work hard to care for the land we are doing so because it is a blessing from God, but it struck me that there were so many things more important to me. I would turn around and give it right back again to gain those things that I have lost this year. My son, my father, a certain level of innocence. We didn't lose much to the fire and I recognize perspective gained from the experience. Oh, how I have had to search and learn to trust solely in God because so much makes so little sense to me. My husband and I have struggled in our relationship in relation to each situation, the constant stress of traveling and wondering how Dad is doing, dealing with other involved family, always wondering if it's enough, the stress of miscarriage, loss and the poor health that followed for so many months, loss again of my Dad, whom we had all just welcomed back into our lives after so long an absence, it all took it's toll.
What can I see looking back? Where is the good? The blessings? God is always good. He is faithful, he does not give us more than we can bear, but he may bring us oh so close in order to draw us nearer to himself, strip us down to nothing in order to build us up. I was given the opportunity to walk in the shoes of other women I know and it made me ashamed of my tunnel vision and lack of empathy. I vow evermore to see things from where others are standing before I react. I learned that just being there for people is more important thank the things you leave undone in order to be there. I could not have endured without the support of those who dropped everything, even their own families, to walk with me through the valleys. They didn't need to say or do anything. The were simply there and felt it with me, I knew I wasn't alone in my pain. I pray that I might take advantage of the same opportunities to be there for others. I learned that sometimes it is too late to say and do things that you put off for the sake of comfort or other less important priorities. Don't wait to work on your attitude, don't stay angry because you are justified, or hold grudges for the same. When you have something to say that may enrich the life of another, get past uncomfortable and say it, you may not have tomorrow. Be careful what you wish for, getting it may affect you differently than you hoped, it may change the course of your life or grieve you to the core. It did me.
My new year's resolutions? Perspective. the kind of perspective that comes from looking at the world through the eyes of Christ. How will I achieve this? I must know how he sees the world. I must study his life, know his words, and be in continuous communion with the Saviour of the world. He must become number one in my life and stay there. I must be in constant submission and yielding to Him and His will in my life. I must stop trying to change everything to fit my perfect ideal and agenda and let Christ work in and through annoying and difficult circumstances. I must remember that every person who passes through any moment of my life is there by God's sovereignty. Will they see Him being glorified through me? Will they feel His love, see His compassion, feel His mercy, or even sense His spirit? Jesus saw through the veil of sin to the beauty beneath, he chose those who were unlovable to the general public and He truly loved them, not pitied, not wanted to put on a show or build himself up, what he saw in them touched his heart.
Looking back I see I have learned many things and am sure that this year will hold many, many more lessons. I welcome the challenge and look forward to drawing closer to my Lord. I pray for revival. It must begin with "me" from there families and those closest are impacted, then church families, and from there, wow, who knows? Let us all give thanks to the giver of all good thanks and seek to show our appreciation in the new year. And to each one who has reached out a hand to the weary and broken hearted you have witnessed here, if I have not already said so, THANK YOU. Your gestures were and still are appreciated and not long forgotten. You were a bright spot on a gloomy day, a bit of perspective that I had not yet gained, or perhaps, the encouragement I needed to get up and get on with my day. :) Happy New Year All!
