I really should get up and move away from the computer and yet, I finally feel as if I have the strength to write this entry. I have put off talking to, communicating with and being in the presence of people for the past two weeks. I haven't felt I had the strength to deal with the well meaning comments and questions. I haven't even been able to put into perspective the array of emotions present within me. And now, here I sit looking back. This post may contain more information than you are comfortable with. If this subject causes you to be uncomfortable, don't continue on.
We discovered the loss of our second baby March 22 when I went in with my oldest and one of the youngest for a routine appt. and we failed to hear a heartbeat. I left that clinic asking why and forgetting about the hope I had gained in the past year. I went home and tried to make a plan for how we would deal with this one. I didn't want to wait a month before the baby was delivered so we decided to make an appointment with another doctor in another hospital to have the baby delivered with medication. I had lost a lot of blood in staying home last time and we didn't want to risk complications at home. We were all scheduled and were going to deal with the here and now. Our bull sale was coming the next week, I had a women's event that weekend. Life went on. For us anyway, my husband reminded me that life had continued for our little one in heaven, what was left was a shell. How comforting that was. Everything changed the night before the sale. It appeared as if things weren't going to go by my plans, but by my Lord's. That is nothing new. :) I put off going and attended the sale to be there for my husband. We were in this together and I could not bear the thought of not being there or going to the hospital to deal with this without him. We made it through the added discouragement of a less than good sale and pressed on. The Lord always provides and there were more pressing issues to deal with in the present. Getting everyone's plans changed around proved to be just as challenging. Everything fell into place and after Brad had cows fed and situated, he and I left for Sioux Falls. Our plan was still to go and stay overnight and go to my appt. the next day. I wasn't feeling terrible, but definitely increasingly uncomfortable. By Chamberlain I was having contractions every two minutes but no bleeding. By Mitchell I was having such intense pain I could hardly breathe through and Brad was getting worried. At Humboldt I called my sister-in-law and asked her to call ahead to the emergency with any information they may need to admit me. About a mile out from I-29 The bleeding began with a vengeance. I knew things were not good. I sat on the floorboard to keep from ruining the seats in the vehicle. Brad drove as fast as he dared to get to the hospital. By now I was scared. Upon arriving at the hospital, they put me in a wheel chair as blood pooled at my feet. The ER team followed up with finding out what exactly had happened and was happening and tried to assess what needed to happen next. They called down the OB-GYN surgeon on call who informed me they needed to perform an emergency D&C to stop the bleeding and they may have to remove my uterus. Shortly thereafter my body began going into shock. I will never forget how Brad kept me centered right there in that room every time I started to fall away. I have never seen IV's go in that fast in my life. Two bags of IV fluid were administered to counteract the shock while they were waiting for the blood to arrive. They administered two units of blood and kept two on hand in case they couldn't get the bleeding stopped in surgery.
I can remember how grateful I was coming out of recovery. I was still alive. They had also not had to do more than the D&C and I was not given more blood. My husband and sister-in-law waited for me when they took me to a room. So grateful. We did not get much sleep that night. An hour perhaps? But we were able to go home around 10:30 am. I was only once ever so glad to see my home, less than a year ago after the fire. But now, I was also so grateful to see my family. For days that is the emotion that ruled my days. Things could have been so much worse. If the bleeding had begun even shortly earlier, would we have made it? What if we had gone to a different hospital? But that wasn't the case. God ordained it just as it has gone and I was so thankful. And then, the inevitable happened. Reality met me. Easter Sunday I was finally alone and had to meet with the silence and didn't have to be strong for everyone else. I fell apart. All of the anger, sadness, fear, and the reality I hadn't dealt with was now staring me in the face. I see baby calves born out in the pasture and I grieve the loss of my own. I see the stone that marks the place where we buried our baby boy, Bronc, less than a year ago and I can't stand under the weight of the loss. It is only when I turn it over to the one who has ordained every day I live that I can stand and look forward with hope.
I also discovered thanks in other places for this experience. I have experienced love that broke my heart. Knowing that love has given me the capacity to love better those who are still here. I know a loss that women rarely speak of but I feel needs to be better brought to light. The most comfort I have found is in the sharing of other women who have known the same loss and feelings as I have. I was so ignorant and uninformed by doctors that I don't know how I could have endured without the counsel of those women who had been there. I can now be there for others should they need me. I have known sacrifice. As I grieved that Easter Sunday I empathized with my God. I wasn't giving up my child willingly for another, but I let go more willingly knowing the pain that He felt in seeing Jesus upon that cross. Was I as willing as He was in letting go? Could I let go for God's greater purposes? It has been difficult, painful and I take it back just to turn around and give it back again, but yes, I can do it, and with His strength I will continue to do so. I told my daughter the other day that no, life isn't fair. It isn't about what we want and how we want things to go. Sometimes, yes, it sucks. But can we trust anyway? Can we look in the face of it all and put Christ first, look for His will, accept His will, and relinquish our own "rights" as we see them? We have to if we wish to maintain peace, relationship and contentment and be effective witnesses for Him here on this earth for the time we are here. My plans, hopes, dreams and desires? No, but I can rest in peace every time I give it up to Him despite it all.
